Mary's Voice: Stepfamilies

Yesterday, I was delighted to receive a message from Mary.

Last week, Mary shared her experience with parental divorce, click here to view that post, and yesterday she presented her thoughts and feelings on stepfamilies, specifically, her connection with her stepfather.

Here is Mary’s voice empowered!

Mary recollects being just nine years old when her mother remarried and she gained a stepfather. Her brothers were six and three at the time. “My parents had divorced several months earlier.”

 That divorce, left her mother waitressing for Mary’s maternal grandmother part-time at a truck stop. “My step-dad worked at the service station part of the truck stop. They knew each other for 3 months, but only dated 3 weeks, before they married.” 

Mary remembers the age of her mother and stepfather at the time of their marriage—thirty and twenty-one, respectively. “Yup, 21 years-old and [he] took not only a wife, but 3 kids, and I was only 12 years younger than him. The year I was in kindergarten, he was a senior in high school.” This age difference did not bother Mary. She recalls begging her mom to marry her step-father.  She did on December 9, 1957.

Mary shares what it was like meeting her step-family for the first time at Christmas, just a few weeks after the marriage. “I met his parents and sisters. He was the oldest, so Mom was their first in-law. My new Grandma met us at the door, told me her name, and said we could call her Evelyn, or Grandma, whichever we chose. She hugged us, and she was Grandma from that moment on. My new grandma and grandpa, and aunts, never treated us any different than any of their biological grandchildren.”

Mary’s family soon expanded as her mother and step-father had two daughters of their own, in addition to Mary and her brothers. She recalls how she felt (and still feels) about her younger sisters. “They were never thought of as steps, they are my sisters. I have never had the feeling of STEP.”

“I did call my step-dad by his first name, until I was out of high school. And one day, he became DAD. I think when I realized he was the one that was always there for me, and shown me what a real man does for his family.” Mary admires how her step-father (Dad) always “stepped up to the plate” especially when there was not any incoming child support from her biological father. “My dad passed away in 2010, with my mom outliving him, even though he was 9 years younger. It is truly one of the very hardest losses of my life.”

Mary recalls how her step-grandparents embraced her and her family. “My grandparents always referred to us as Barb and Raymond's kids, not just Barb's.”
 
Mary remembers having a conversation with her mother about her stepfamily. “I [asked] mom how Grandma felt, when her 21 year old son was marrying a 30 year old woman with three kids. She told my mom that she decided she could either be enemies, and not have a relationship with her son, or have my mom be her best friend, and that is what they were until Grandma's death.”

I encourage anyone I interview or who wants to share their experiences with me to share their feelings and think about the advice they would give to other families. Mary has an insightful message that she would like to share:

“I just feel that if you are getting into a relationship with someone with children, those children are the most important relationship you should have.

Never become jealous, and make the children feel anything is their fault.

Never make the parent choose between you and the children.

And never try to take over the parental role, if there is a good relationship between the child and their biological.

If you can't love that child as your own, WALK AWAY!

Children are the innocent ones.”

I cannot thank Mary enough for sharing her voice and I express my deepest condolences to her and her family for the loss of her Dad (step-father). He is one to hold in high esteem and I imagine he had a positive hand in the lives of many.

Liz is BACK!

Last week, Liz voiced her story and thoughts on divorce. Today she is back to offer her accounts on what it was like when her parents remarried and her father’s involvement in her life. 

This is Liz’s voice empowered! (Again!)

Randie: What age were you when your parents remarried?

Liz: “I was 7 when my Dad married my stepmom.  I was 10 when my half-sister was born and 12 when my half-brother was born.  I was 17 when my stepdad came into the picture. He became more like a friend or uncle than a father figure.”

Randie: Did you feel prepared for this change?

Liz: “I figured it would be much like the movies.  Not exactly the best impression given in Cinderella.”

Randie: Describe your bond with your stepfamily members?

Liz: “I had an EXTREMELY rough relationship with my stepmom.  I constantly sought the approval of her, but she has a very unstable personality.  After my Dad died, though, our relationship improved.  We have a shared experience that we can’t deny.  I’m grateful that she still includes me in the family and I’m still able to have close relationship with my half siblings.”

Randie: Would you say your relationships with your stepfamily differs from your relationships with birth family?

Liz: “My relationship with my Mom was always the strongest.  The relationship between siblings was the same regardless.”

Randie: What advice would you offer to adults and children as they work to build relationships as caring stepfamilies?

Liz: “Don’t put kids in the middle.  Don’t screw with their relationships with their parents.”

Randie: Do you think the media is fair to stepfamilies and stepparents?

Liz: “No way!  See the Cinderella reference above.”

                                           

Randie: How involved was your father in your upbringing?

Liz: “For most of my childhood, I was at Dad’s house every other weekend and we swapped major holidays.  He was military so he wasn’t as involved as I think he’d like to have been.  We took a LOT of trips when I was with him, though.”

Randie: What activities did you do together?

Liz: “Dad and I did a lot of fishing.  He took me out hunting a few times.  We camped a LOT. I helped with weekend projects he had around the house.  He was very involved day to day, but I feel (now) as though I never got to know him as a PERSON, just as my Dad.  Maybe that would have come had he not died.  I think we were both emotionally cautious with each other because of all the bullshit that went on between my Mom and Dad.”

Randie: What message do you have for fathers?

Liz: “Make sure your kids know you love them.  Tell them all the time.  No matter where you are, tell them.”

Becky’s and Cody’s Voice: An Interview with Newlyweds

Becky (24) and Cody (25) have an interesting family dynamic, as newlyweds but also as children from divorced families. Their experiences with divorce and stepfamilies have shaped their relationship building skills for the better and they are able to function successfully as a team. 

This is Becky’s and Cody’s voice empowered! 

Randie: What feelings do you associate with divorce?

C: Negative overall, of course.

B: I agree with the negative feelings.  Sometimes it’s guilt, thinking it’s somehow my fault that my parents divorced. Confusion over the loss of a 25 year marriage, seemingly overnight.

Randie: How did you learn of your parents’ divorce?

C: My dad sat down and told me, everything, even explaining why.

B: My mom called me on the phone, saying she was coming to stay with me because my dad asked her for a divorce. 

Randie: Some researchers argue that two-parent families are essential for the well-being of children. What are your thoughts on this?

C: Generally speaking, I tend to agree.  It is possible to come out ok from a single parent household, or having separated parents.  It does seem to be better to come from a two-parent household.

B: I agree with Cody, having two parents helps a child grow up rounded.  Although, if the relationship between the parents is a unhealthy one, that just shows the child a bad example of a relationship, telling kids it’s ok to be in a “bad” relationship.

Randie: What was challenging about experiencing divorce? Were there beneficial aspects?

C: Most challenging, for me, was probably the financial aspect of it.  Having to deal with the fact that I’m 14 and my mother works three jobs and I have to cook dinner tonight for my brother and I, and my peers don’t have to do that.  A lot of it depends on age of when the divorce happens.  I don’t feel there are really any true benefits.

B: My most challenging part was dealing with parents that took forever to understand that I still wanted to love both parents, but I was truly stuck in the middle.  I still, 3.5 years later, have to deal with one parent telling me negative things about the other parent.  The only positive aspect of my parents separating is now my dad is healthier than before because of his new wife.

Randie: How did divorce change your family?

C: It changed everything.  We went from solid middle class to struggling, from 2,500 square foot house to 800 square foot apartment.  There was no way the family stayed the same.

B: It changed a lot for me too.  I used to have a place to go “home”, now I don’t have that anymore.  The relationship between both of my parents has changed significantly.

Randie: Did experiencing a divorce change your view of marriage?

C: Before divorce, I viewed marriage as something that lasted forever.  It changed my mom and dad to being my mom and my dad (not together).

B: It changed my idea of what I thought was a “good” marriage.

 Randie: Are there patterns of divorce in your families?

C: Yes, my dad’s parents divorced and both remarried, but not on my mom’s side.

B: Both my grandparents are still together.  Some extended family got divorced, but I wouldn’t count that as a pattern.

Randie: Did you feel as if others treated you differently because of the divorce?

C: Maybe, but mind you the divorce rate has gone up so much since then, that I don’t think that’s the current reality.  Really, the things that I was treated differently for wasn’t the divorce itself, but the things that came out of the divorce, economic hardship, counseling.

B: Not many of my friends knew a whole lot about my parents’ divorce.

Randie: Would you say there is a stigma attached to divorce?

C: Not has much as there used to be, but yes.  As time passes, that gets less.

Randie: What age were you when your parents remarried?

C: 16 or 17 when they got married.  My step-dad had two kids from a previous marriage.

B: My dad remarried when I was 22.

 Randie: Were you prepared for this family change?

C: Yeah, by then I just didn’t care as much.

B: My dad told me a week before he remarried that they were doing it, so I wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked, but I, also, didn’t care as much.

Randie: Can you describe the bond you have with your stepfamily?

C: Fairly loose affiliation.  I never spent that much time with them, really avoided them.  The relationship has changed and grown overtime, but I wouldn’t say I’m close with them.

B:  I like my step-mom, but she will never replace my mom.

Randie: What are a few of the positive and negative sides of having a stepfamily?

C: Having only seeing it from the “child” perspective, more Christmases?  A stepfamily can be good, as long as they are supportive, but I don’t really know how to answer that.

B: Jealousy issues were HUGE in my parents’ divorce so that was pretty negative. Knowing more people can be a positive.

Randie: What advice do you have for fathers, new fathers, divorcing fathers, stepfathers?

B/C: Be there whenever possible, take advantage of the time you have.  It’s hard to tell, since we don’t have kids.

Randie: After your experiences with divorce and stepfamilies, what led you to marriage?

B/C: Because I am with somebody, and comfortable with them enough to take that next step.

 Randie: Did you discuss the roles each of you would take on in marriage prior to getting married?

B/C: Loosely.

Randie: What challenges do you face as newlyweds?

C: Getting along with a single person every day.  Settling your different values financially, and socially.

B: Communication is something I still struggle with.

 Randie: What makes your marriage successful?

B/C: We make a good team.

 Randie: How do you communicate or relieve stress as a couple?

B/C: As far as communication, we talk.  To help relieve stress, we have our hobbies, some shared, some alone.

 Randie: Has your marriage changed or went through changes?

B/C: Of course, it has.  As jobs change, income changes, lifestyle changes.  Relationships aren’t meant to stay the same.

Randie: How do your friends or relatives impact your marriage?

C: Some support, some strain.

(B: That’s a nice way to put it)

Randie: What advice do you have for future generations in regards to divorce or marriage?

C: Understand that marriage is not something to rush into, it’s never going to be perfect and you have to be willing to fight and fix it.

B: All of the above.

Randie: Any advice for other newlyweds?

B/C: Try not to fight, but when you do don’t hold a grudge.  Understand that you are not always going to get along, and that’s ok.

Randie: Is there anything you would like to add?

B: Remember that seeking help does not make you a weak person; it means that you know yourself.

Very sound advice, Becky! 

Thank you again to both Becky and Cody for sharing their views and experiences on divorce, stepfamilies, and marriage. It is inspiring to hear how they did not let their past experiences with divorce hinder their own love or marriage.