Liz is BACK!

Last week, Liz voiced her story and thoughts on divorce. Today she is back to offer her accounts on what it was like when her parents remarried and her father’s involvement in her life. 

This is Liz’s voice empowered! (Again!)

Randie: What age were you when your parents remarried?

Liz: “I was 7 when my Dad married my stepmom.  I was 10 when my half-sister was born and 12 when my half-brother was born.  I was 17 when my stepdad came into the picture. He became more like a friend or uncle than a father figure.”

Randie: Did you feel prepared for this change?

Liz: “I figured it would be much like the movies.  Not exactly the best impression given in Cinderella.”

Randie: Describe your bond with your stepfamily members?

Liz: “I had an EXTREMELY rough relationship with my stepmom.  I constantly sought the approval of her, but she has a very unstable personality.  After my Dad died, though, our relationship improved.  We have a shared experience that we can’t deny.  I’m grateful that she still includes me in the family and I’m still able to have close relationship with my half siblings.”

Randie: Would you say your relationships with your stepfamily differs from your relationships with birth family?

Liz: “My relationship with my Mom was always the strongest.  The relationship between siblings was the same regardless.”

Randie: What advice would you offer to adults and children as they work to build relationships as caring stepfamilies?

Liz: “Don’t put kids in the middle.  Don’t screw with their relationships with their parents.”

Randie: Do you think the media is fair to stepfamilies and stepparents?

Liz: “No way!  See the Cinderella reference above.”

                                           

Randie: How involved was your father in your upbringing?

Liz: “For most of my childhood, I was at Dad’s house every other weekend and we swapped major holidays.  He was military so he wasn’t as involved as I think he’d like to have been.  We took a LOT of trips when I was with him, though.”

Randie: What activities did you do together?

Liz: “Dad and I did a lot of fishing.  He took me out hunting a few times.  We camped a LOT. I helped with weekend projects he had around the house.  He was very involved day to day, but I feel (now) as though I never got to know him as a PERSON, just as my Dad.  Maybe that would have come had he not died.  I think we were both emotionally cautious with each other because of all the bullshit that went on between my Mom and Dad.”

Randie: What message do you have for fathers?

Liz: “Make sure your kids know you love them.  Tell them all the time.  No matter where you are, tell them.”

Becky’s and Cody’s Voice: An Interview with Newlyweds

Becky (24) and Cody (25) have an interesting family dynamic, as newlyweds but also as children from divorced families. Their experiences with divorce and stepfamilies have shaped their relationship building skills for the better and they are able to function successfully as a team. 

This is Becky’s and Cody’s voice empowered! 

Randie: What feelings do you associate with divorce?

C: Negative overall, of course.

B: I agree with the negative feelings.  Sometimes it’s guilt, thinking it’s somehow my fault that my parents divorced. Confusion over the loss of a 25 year marriage, seemingly overnight.

Randie: How did you learn of your parents’ divorce?

C: My dad sat down and told me, everything, even explaining why.

B: My mom called me on the phone, saying she was coming to stay with me because my dad asked her for a divorce. 

Randie: Some researchers argue that two-parent families are essential for the well-being of children. What are your thoughts on this?

C: Generally speaking, I tend to agree.  It is possible to come out ok from a single parent household, or having separated parents.  It does seem to be better to come from a two-parent household.

B: I agree with Cody, having two parents helps a child grow up rounded.  Although, if the relationship between the parents is a unhealthy one, that just shows the child a bad example of a relationship, telling kids it’s ok to be in a “bad” relationship.

Randie: What was challenging about experiencing divorce? Were there beneficial aspects?

C: Most challenging, for me, was probably the financial aspect of it.  Having to deal with the fact that I’m 14 and my mother works three jobs and I have to cook dinner tonight for my brother and I, and my peers don’t have to do that.  A lot of it depends on age of when the divorce happens.  I don’t feel there are really any true benefits.

B: My most challenging part was dealing with parents that took forever to understand that I still wanted to love both parents, but I was truly stuck in the middle.  I still, 3.5 years later, have to deal with one parent telling me negative things about the other parent.  The only positive aspect of my parents separating is now my dad is healthier than before because of his new wife.

Randie: How did divorce change your family?

C: It changed everything.  We went from solid middle class to struggling, from 2,500 square foot house to 800 square foot apartment.  There was no way the family stayed the same.

B: It changed a lot for me too.  I used to have a place to go “home”, now I don’t have that anymore.  The relationship between both of my parents has changed significantly.

Randie: Did experiencing a divorce change your view of marriage?

C: Before divorce, I viewed marriage as something that lasted forever.  It changed my mom and dad to being my mom and my dad (not together).

B: It changed my idea of what I thought was a “good” marriage.

 Randie: Are there patterns of divorce in your families?

C: Yes, my dad’s parents divorced and both remarried, but not on my mom’s side.

B: Both my grandparents are still together.  Some extended family got divorced, but I wouldn’t count that as a pattern.

Randie: Did you feel as if others treated you differently because of the divorce?

C: Maybe, but mind you the divorce rate has gone up so much since then, that I don’t think that’s the current reality.  Really, the things that I was treated differently for wasn’t the divorce itself, but the things that came out of the divorce, economic hardship, counseling.

B: Not many of my friends knew a whole lot about my parents’ divorce.

Randie: Would you say there is a stigma attached to divorce?

C: Not has much as there used to be, but yes.  As time passes, that gets less.

Randie: What age were you when your parents remarried?

C: 16 or 17 when they got married.  My step-dad had two kids from a previous marriage.

B: My dad remarried when I was 22.

 Randie: Were you prepared for this family change?

C: Yeah, by then I just didn’t care as much.

B: My dad told me a week before he remarried that they were doing it, so I wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked, but I, also, didn’t care as much.

Randie: Can you describe the bond you have with your stepfamily?

C: Fairly loose affiliation.  I never spent that much time with them, really avoided them.  The relationship has changed and grown overtime, but I wouldn’t say I’m close with them.

B:  I like my step-mom, but she will never replace my mom.

Randie: What are a few of the positive and negative sides of having a stepfamily?

C: Having only seeing it from the “child” perspective, more Christmases?  A stepfamily can be good, as long as they are supportive, but I don’t really know how to answer that.

B: Jealousy issues were HUGE in my parents’ divorce so that was pretty negative. Knowing more people can be a positive.

Randie: What advice do you have for fathers, new fathers, divorcing fathers, stepfathers?

B/C: Be there whenever possible, take advantage of the time you have.  It’s hard to tell, since we don’t have kids.

Randie: After your experiences with divorce and stepfamilies, what led you to marriage?

B/C: Because I am with somebody, and comfortable with them enough to take that next step.

 Randie: Did you discuss the roles each of you would take on in marriage prior to getting married?

B/C: Loosely.

Randie: What challenges do you face as newlyweds?

C: Getting along with a single person every day.  Settling your different values financially, and socially.

B: Communication is something I still struggle with.

 Randie: What makes your marriage successful?

B/C: We make a good team.

 Randie: How do you communicate or relieve stress as a couple?

B/C: As far as communication, we talk.  To help relieve stress, we have our hobbies, some shared, some alone.

 Randie: Has your marriage changed or went through changes?

B/C: Of course, it has.  As jobs change, income changes, lifestyle changes.  Relationships aren’t meant to stay the same.

Randie: How do your friends or relatives impact your marriage?

C: Some support, some strain.

(B: That’s a nice way to put it)

Randie: What advice do you have for future generations in regards to divorce or marriage?

C: Understand that marriage is not something to rush into, it’s never going to be perfect and you have to be willing to fight and fix it.

B: All of the above.

Randie: Any advice for other newlyweds?

B/C: Try not to fight, but when you do don’t hold a grudge.  Understand that you are not always going to get along, and that’s ok.

Randie: Is there anything you would like to add?

B: Remember that seeking help does not make you a weak person; it means that you know yourself.

Very sound advice, Becky! 

Thank you again to both Becky and Cody for sharing their views and experiences on divorce, stepfamilies, and marriage. It is inspiring to hear how they did not let their past experiences with divorce hinder their own love or marriage.

Mary’s Voice: Divorce

I am grateful that Mary was able to share her story because it is one that happens all too frequently, yet we do not always hear it.

This is Mary's voice empowered!


Randie: Tell me about your experience with divorce.

Mary: “My parents divorced in 1957. I was 9 years old. My biological father was an abusive, cheating alcoholic. He beat my mother and my brother. He sexually abused me. He spent his entire pay check on his booze, and whatever else. There were few jobs for women back then, esp. in a very small town. My mother was a professional seamstress, so she did sewing for the entire community, even making choir robes for the church and skirts for the cheerleaders, as well as any other sewing she could do. She paid all the bills and provided the food and all for my two brothers and I. When he started beating on my brother is when the end of the marriage came. I hated leaving the community because I got to see my grandmother and aunt, only a year older, every day, so I knew I would miss them like crazy. I didn't miss my dad at all. There was no more yelling and screaming and fighting. My mother remarried several months later to an amazing man, that even rarely would raise his voice, and didn't believe in physical punishment. I got to witness what real love and respect was. Went to bed every night, knowing I was safe. I ended up marrying a wonderful man, non drinker, very respectful, and I give all the credit to my mom for showing me that wasn't the life for anyone.”

Randie: Some researchers argue that two-parent families are essential for the well-being of children. What are your thoughts on this?

Mary: “I would rather see children in a very loving, safe home, with nothing but respect. Children know when there is no love in the home, so staying together for the children should never be done. They should never have to walk on egg shells. Two happy parents apart are by far better that two miserable parents, going thru the motions. Then they blame themselves for parents being so unhappy. I tell everyone, you are treating your sons how to treat women, and teaching your girls how to be treated.”

Thank you, Mary for sharing your story with us!

Family violence and child abuse are whispered about but topics we fail to discuss openly. Speaking about these concerning issues raises awareness and promotes change.

Susan’s Voice: An Interview with a Former Teen Mom

“No one knew I was pregnant. I was scared. I was in denial”.

Susan was just thirteen at that the time. The year was 1984.  

“Teen pregnancy wasn’t glorified back then. Girls were not trying to get pregnant to be on TV”. 

Susan felt like she was in trouble, as if she had done something wrong. She had thoughts of having her baby in the woods and bringing it home to tell everyone she found it. However, when she approached her mother at 3am with complaints of a tummy ache, those thoughts were gone.  

“My mother was a nurse so she got her stethoscope to check my abdomen and asked me if I could be pregnant”. 

Susan’s tummy ache was the beginning of labor contractions and she went to the hospital right away. At 3:41am, Susan’s daughter, Rachel was born and weighed in at three and a half pounds. Susan admires her mother for how she handled that night. 

“My mom was calm. She told me that having a baby was a huge responsibility and that had choices but I knew my baby didn’t chose to be born to a thirteen year-old. I knew that my baby deserved to have a good mom like everyone else and that’s what I committed to do.” 

 That commitment and devotion to her daughter would be Susan’s strength and guiding force going forward. Although, Susan’s daughter was small, she was not afraid or nervous like parents are now. Even with her daughter in the Intensive Care Unit covered in wires, Susan jumped right in and started caring for Rachel. People at the hospital talked with Susan about caring for an infant but she recalls:

“It was nothing like they do now. No videos. No classes. I wasn’t even on the maternity floor with the other moms.”   

The hard work of being a young mom hit Susan immediately. Her mom was very supportive but made it clear that she had had her children and Susan would be caring for her baby on her own.  

“People would look at me, you know. As I was walking by, I would see them point and they would say, ‘hey, that’s the girl who had that baby’. I wasn’t me anymore. I was that girl who had the baby and I had to grow up really fast. Other thirteen year-olds did not go to the doctor alone and here I was taking my baby to the doctor.”   

Susan remembers the challenges she faced almost thirty years ago.  

“Everything was hard. I tried to go back to ninth grade after having Rachel but the school didn’t want me back because I had moved out of my mom’s house. They just made everything hard. I would take Rachel into a doctor and no one was helpful. They thought we were sisters.” 

Susan felt the judgment and shaming other felt towards her. When her daughter had a bump on her head, people jumped to conclusions and assumed abuse had taken place. At that same time, a married wealthy couple had a child die from abuse but no one did anything about that; but because she was young and poor, she was reported to DHS. The allegations were unfounded.  

 Susan had a horrific experience taking her daughter in to the eye doctor. 

“I knew something was right with Rachel. She had differences. Her back arched, her eyes were different, and she couldn’t hold her toys like other kids did. He said she was mentally retarded. Watching my mom advocate for me and stand up to that eye doctor taught me how to be an advocate, showed me how to commit and stand up for my daughter”. 

Rachel was later diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Susan reflects on her experiences as a teen mom and acknowledges that her oldest daughter’s disability and having two more children in her teenage years compounded her challenges as a young mom. 

“I had my second daughter, Micah, at 15, just one month before my Sweet Sixteen, and my son, Evan, at 19. It was hard having more children. I thought having three wouldn’t be much different than having two. What was I thinking? Fortunately, I was with their father and we were married for 26 years but we were poor. We were in poverty. I did the best I could with what I had. My kids did not know they were poor, I made it work.” 

Many young moms would have been beaten down by these experiences. How did you make it work? What allowed you to keep going when others might have given up?  

“You are right. I had friends who got pregnant after me and they didn’t take care of their children. For me, it was that commitment. I knew my children deserve a lesser mom, they deserved a good mom and that’s what I did.”  

Susan participated in a young moms program five months after having her first child. At thirteen, she was the youngest in the program but she remembers that it meant the world to her have support. Susan paid this support forward by volunteering for at a young moms program for ten years. 

“They asked me to volunteer for two years and I stayed for ten. It was an amazing experience because I know what it feels like to be them and need support.”  

As a volunteer, Susan taught young moms parenting skills, how to potty train their children and how to consistently manage problem behaviors.  

“My advice to teens would be, it is a lot harder than it looks. It just irritates me to see these young girls who want babies in order to have someone who loves. Babies are not dolls. Being a teen mom is not glamorous. I would not recommend it anyone.” 

 Susan encourages teens who cannot abstain from sexual activity to use birth control. She has also advocated for condoms in schools and the Safe Haven law.  

“Being a young mom is hard. I didn’t want that for my children.” 

Susan’s commitment to her children and involvement as an advocate is to be admired, as she was successful in preventing her children from becoming teen parents and has impacted the lives of many other young people.

I cannot thank Susan enough for sharing her experiences with me! She was brave enough to volunteer as my first ever phone interview and I am eternally grateful as her voice is one of strength, resiliency, and the power of commitment. For more information on teen pregnancy visit: http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/

 Here is a beautiful picture of Susan with her now grown-up children: