Yesterday, I was delighted to receive a message from Mary.
Last week, Mary shared her experience with parental divorce, click here to view that post, and yesterday she presented her thoughts and feelings on stepfamilies, specifically, her connection with her stepfather.
Here is Mary’s voice empowered!
Mary recollects being just nine years old when her mother remarried and she gained a stepfather. Her brothers were six and three at the time. “My parents had divorced several months earlier.”
That divorce, left her mother waitressing for Mary’s maternal grandmother part-time at a truck stop. “My step-dad worked at the service station part of the truck stop. They knew each other for 3 months, but only dated 3 weeks, before they married.”
Mary remembers the age of her mother and stepfather at the time of their marriage—thirty and twenty-one, respectively. “Yup, 21 years-old and [he] took not only a wife, but 3 kids, and I was only 12 years younger than him. The year I was in kindergarten, he was a senior in high school.” This age difference did not bother Mary. She recalls begging her mom to marry her step-father. She did on December 9, 1957.
Mary shares what it was like meeting her step-family for the first time at Christmas, just a few weeks after the marriage. “I met his parents and sisters. He was the oldest, so Mom was their first in-law. My new Grandma met us at the door, told me her name, and said we could call her Evelyn, or Grandma, whichever we chose. She hugged us, and she was Grandma from that moment on. My new grandma and grandpa, and aunts, never treated us any different than any of their biological grandchildren.”
Mary’s family soon expanded as her mother and step-father had two daughters of their own, in addition to Mary and her brothers. She recalls how she felt (and still feels) about her younger sisters. “They were never thought of as steps, they are my sisters. I have never had the feeling of STEP.”
“I did
call my step-dad by his first name, until I was out of high school. And one
day, he became DAD. I think when I realized he was the one that was always
there for me, and shown me what a real man does for his family.”
Mary admires how her step-father (Dad) always “stepped up to the plate”
especially when there was not any incoming child support from her biological
father. “My dad
passed away in 2010, with my mom outliving him, even though he was 9 years
younger. It is truly one of the very hardest losses of my life.”
Mary recalls how her step-grandparents embraced her and her family. “My grandparents always referred to us as Barb and Raymond's kids, not just Barb's.”
Mary remembers having a conversation with her mother about her stepfamily. “I [asked] mom how Grandma felt, when her 21 year old son was marrying a 30 year old woman with three kids. She told my mom that she decided she could either be enemies, and not have a relationship with her son, or have my mom be her best friend, and that is what they were until Grandma's death.”
I encourage anyone I interview or who wants to share their experiences with me to share their feelings and think about the advice they would give to other families. Mary has an insightful message that she would like to share:
“I just feel that if you are getting into a relationship with
someone with children, those children are the most important relationship you
should have.
Never become jealous, and make the children feel anything is
their fault.
Never make the parent choose between you and the children.
And never try to take over the parental role, if there is a good
relationship between the child and their biological.
If you can't love that child as your own, WALK AWAY!
Children are the innocent ones.”
I cannot thank Mary enough for sharing her voice and I
express my deepest condolences to her and her family for the loss of her Dad
(step-father). He is one to hold in high esteem and I imagine he had a positive
hand in the lives of many.
