Becky’s and Cody’s Voice: An Interview with Newlyweds

Becky (24) and Cody (25) have an interesting family dynamic, as newlyweds but also as children from divorced families. Their experiences with divorce and stepfamilies have shaped their relationship building skills for the better and they are able to function successfully as a team. 

This is Becky’s and Cody’s voice empowered! 

Randie: What feelings do you associate with divorce?

C: Negative overall, of course.

B: I agree with the negative feelings.  Sometimes it’s guilt, thinking it’s somehow my fault that my parents divorced. Confusion over the loss of a 25 year marriage, seemingly overnight.

Randie: How did you learn of your parents’ divorce?

C: My dad sat down and told me, everything, even explaining why.

B: My mom called me on the phone, saying she was coming to stay with me because my dad asked her for a divorce. 

Randie: Some researchers argue that two-parent families are essential for the well-being of children. What are your thoughts on this?

C: Generally speaking, I tend to agree.  It is possible to come out ok from a single parent household, or having separated parents.  It does seem to be better to come from a two-parent household.

B: I agree with Cody, having two parents helps a child grow up rounded.  Although, if the relationship between the parents is a unhealthy one, that just shows the child a bad example of a relationship, telling kids it’s ok to be in a “bad” relationship.

Randie: What was challenging about experiencing divorce? Were there beneficial aspects?

C: Most challenging, for me, was probably the financial aspect of it.  Having to deal with the fact that I’m 14 and my mother works three jobs and I have to cook dinner tonight for my brother and I, and my peers don’t have to do that.  A lot of it depends on age of when the divorce happens.  I don’t feel there are really any true benefits.

B: My most challenging part was dealing with parents that took forever to understand that I still wanted to love both parents, but I was truly stuck in the middle.  I still, 3.5 years later, have to deal with one parent telling me negative things about the other parent.  The only positive aspect of my parents separating is now my dad is healthier than before because of his new wife.

Randie: How did divorce change your family?

C: It changed everything.  We went from solid middle class to struggling, from 2,500 square foot house to 800 square foot apartment.  There was no way the family stayed the same.

B: It changed a lot for me too.  I used to have a place to go “home”, now I don’t have that anymore.  The relationship between both of my parents has changed significantly.

Randie: Did experiencing a divorce change your view of marriage?

C: Before divorce, I viewed marriage as something that lasted forever.  It changed my mom and dad to being my mom and my dad (not together).

B: It changed my idea of what I thought was a “good” marriage.

 Randie: Are there patterns of divorce in your families?

C: Yes, my dad’s parents divorced and both remarried, but not on my mom’s side.

B: Both my grandparents are still together.  Some extended family got divorced, but I wouldn’t count that as a pattern.

Randie: Did you feel as if others treated you differently because of the divorce?

C: Maybe, but mind you the divorce rate has gone up so much since then, that I don’t think that’s the current reality.  Really, the things that I was treated differently for wasn’t the divorce itself, but the things that came out of the divorce, economic hardship, counseling.

B: Not many of my friends knew a whole lot about my parents’ divorce.

Randie: Would you say there is a stigma attached to divorce?

C: Not has much as there used to be, but yes.  As time passes, that gets less.

Randie: What age were you when your parents remarried?

C: 16 or 17 when they got married.  My step-dad had two kids from a previous marriage.

B: My dad remarried when I was 22.

 Randie: Were you prepared for this family change?

C: Yeah, by then I just didn’t care as much.

B: My dad told me a week before he remarried that they were doing it, so I wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked, but I, also, didn’t care as much.

Randie: Can you describe the bond you have with your stepfamily?

C: Fairly loose affiliation.  I never spent that much time with them, really avoided them.  The relationship has changed and grown overtime, but I wouldn’t say I’m close with them.

B:  I like my step-mom, but she will never replace my mom.

Randie: What are a few of the positive and negative sides of having a stepfamily?

C: Having only seeing it from the “child” perspective, more Christmases?  A stepfamily can be good, as long as they are supportive, but I don’t really know how to answer that.

B: Jealousy issues were HUGE in my parents’ divorce so that was pretty negative. Knowing more people can be a positive.

Randie: What advice do you have for fathers, new fathers, divorcing fathers, stepfathers?

B/C: Be there whenever possible, take advantage of the time you have.  It’s hard to tell, since we don’t have kids.

Randie: After your experiences with divorce and stepfamilies, what led you to marriage?

B/C: Because I am with somebody, and comfortable with them enough to take that next step.

 Randie: Did you discuss the roles each of you would take on in marriage prior to getting married?

B/C: Loosely.

Randie: What challenges do you face as newlyweds?

C: Getting along with a single person every day.  Settling your different values financially, and socially.

B: Communication is something I still struggle with.

 Randie: What makes your marriage successful?

B/C: We make a good team.

 Randie: How do you communicate or relieve stress as a couple?

B/C: As far as communication, we talk.  To help relieve stress, we have our hobbies, some shared, some alone.

 Randie: Has your marriage changed or went through changes?

B/C: Of course, it has.  As jobs change, income changes, lifestyle changes.  Relationships aren’t meant to stay the same.

Randie: How do your friends or relatives impact your marriage?

C: Some support, some strain.

(B: That’s a nice way to put it)

Randie: What advice do you have for future generations in regards to divorce or marriage?

C: Understand that marriage is not something to rush into, it’s never going to be perfect and you have to be willing to fight and fix it.

B: All of the above.

Randie: Any advice for other newlyweds?

B/C: Try not to fight, but when you do don’t hold a grudge.  Understand that you are not always going to get along, and that’s ok.

Randie: Is there anything you would like to add?

B: Remember that seeking help does not make you a weak person; it means that you know yourself.

Very sound advice, Becky! 

Thank you again to both Becky and Cody for sharing their views and experiences on divorce, stepfamilies, and marriage. It is inspiring to hear how they did not let their past experiences with divorce hinder their own love or marriage.