Lindsay, 25 year-old mother asked me the following questions:
One question for you Randie, if you have a child and a father who stepped in above the biological father, would you allow the current father to adopt the child? Why or why not and if so what age would be appropriate to do this by? If the child never knew the father because of things that happened out of your control would you still tell them about them if another father was involved? If so, when and if not why?
First, I want to thank Lindsay for this question! Father
involvement can be a complicated issue and it is certainly a trend in current
family research. Second, I would like to note that every family is different
and what works for one for family or one situation may not apply to another.
However, I have a few thoughts and suggestions that might be helpful for you
and others experiencing this challenging circumstance.
Fatherhood often
refers to a biological father but it also holds a social meaning that links a
child to a particular man as a way to secure the child within the larger social
structure[1]. With
this in mind, I think it is remarkable when a significant other, partner, stepparent,
friend, relative, and others step in to help fill the father role for a child
whose biological father is not involved in their everyday lives. Extending this
role further by legally adopting the child is a step that should not be taken
lightly and the implications of this action should be considered at great
length. I say this because, if a child has not formed a secure attachment with
their biological father, it might be even more devastating or emotionally
straining for them to suffer the loss of their step-in father if the
relationship should ever go sour between the mother and step-in father. Would
he be willing to care for the children even after the relationship ended? With
a divorce rate of 40% to 50%[2] and
researchers reporting only one in ten cohabitating relationships will last at
least five years[3],
this is a question worth discussing.
Another thing to consider is the age of the child. Researchers
have noted that fathers tend to be more comfortable spending time with their children,
as they grow older[4].
It is possible the biological father would want to be more involved later on in
the child’s life and an adoption could deter or complicate that possibility. I
would not suggest putting your life on hold while you wait for this possibility
but it is something to think about.
For these reasons, my suggestion would be for the step-in
father to adopt the child if and when the couple is ready to marry—because
there is no right or wrong age of the child for adoption, the level of
commitment to the family should be the determining factor. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway,
adopting a stepchild is the most common form of adoption[5]. Taking
this direction would offer great stability for the family unit as a whole.
Alternatively, if the step-in father were fully committed to the child (and
vice versa) regardless of the relationship with the mother, I would then see
adoption as a viable option. For more information on adoption, view this
publication: https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/parties.pdf
In regards, to discussing these matters with the child, I
would suggest starting those discussions now. Children are incredibly receptive
and intelligent. They have a way of knowing and understanding things that
adults feel they cannot grasp yet. The child might already be aware that his or
her biological father is not in the home. Withholding information about the
biological father might lead to identity confusion, resentment, or other
unfavorable feelings. My advice is to be as honest as possible without revealing
any negative or hurtful information. For example, noting the father lives in
another home, city, or state. Additionally, sharing that every family is
different and discussing how your family differs than another that the child is
familiar with. In addition, the book Love
is a Family by Roma Downey addresses this concept nicely. I would also
encourage the step-in father to create a special routine or activity to share
with the child to strengthen their bond regardless of adoption.
Because each family situation is unique, I would recommend discussing
the details of your circumstance with a psychologist or social worker to obtain
a professional opinion specific to your family’s needs.
Thank you again for your question! I hope my inquiry into
this topic has been helpful!
[1] Coltrane, S.
(2004). Fathering: Paradoxes, contradictions, and dilemmas. In Coleman, M.
& Ganong, L. H. (Eds.), Handbook of Contemporary Family: Considering the
Past, Contemplating the Future (224-243). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage
Publications.
[2]
Cherlin, A. (2010). Demographic trends in the United States: A review of
research in the 2000s. Journal of
Marriage and the Family: Decade in Review, 72, 403–419.
[3]
Seltzer, J. A. (2004). Chapter 4: Cohabitation and family change. (Pp. 57–78).
In Coleman, M. & Ganong, L. H. Eds. Handbook
of Contemporary Family: Considering the Past, Contemplating the Future.
Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
[4]
See reference 1
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